Catnip! The Green Fairy! The scourge of Whisker City! The problem that can't seem to go away on its own. The Channel 4 News Team has been following this plague since it hit the city, and now things are coming to a full crescendo. The mayor's task force is breaking down from the inside, and the police are powerless to stop 'Nip pushers from flooding the streets with Cat Crack.
What can you, the humble citizen, do to stop this plague? How can you protect your little kittens from a lifetime of cat nip addiction? Well, it's not going to be easy. Channel 4 has a bombshell report that illustrates just how deep the catnip cartel's claws are dug into Whisker City. The city is a fish, wriggling to get free from the cartel's grasp.
But will we manage to escape its clutches? Or will we succumb to the cartel and become its next meal?
What is Catnip Used For?
Everyone knows Cat Crack is highly addictive and will ruin your life. So why do cats like catnip if it has such negative consequences? Well, it turns out that the addictive side of things is by design.
According to Channel 4's exclusive informant, catnip for cats was created as a means of controlling the population. Normally, cats and kittens are fiercely independent creatures.
But, once cats get a free hit of Cat Crack, they become a bumbling mass of writhing fur and purring. Over time, their independence gets traded for dependence.
Dependence on more cat nip.
But how does catnip work exactly? According to the "scientists" like Dr. Scratch, the catnip plant has an active oil called Nepetalactone that triggers a happy, docile, and somewhat aroused response. According to these so-called "experts," the effects wear off after about 30 minutes, and cats can resume their daily routine.
But that's not what our informant says. Our informant, who must remain anonymous for legal and safety reasons, says the truth is far more sinister.
What does catnip do to cats? We asked them.
"It scrambles their minds. Each batch of catnip plants has small microchips that float in the air. Once a cat gets a free hit, the microchips go into their brains through the nose."
But how does a plant contain so many microchips? And are they just floating in the air around the catnip, waiting to be hoovered up by an unsuspecting nostril? Or are they attached to the plant, and when a cat gets close, the microchips detach and go flying into whichever orifice is closest?
Our informant wasn't able to spell out the details. They also couldn't explain why we couldn't see any microchips on any catnip plants we've confiscated for research purposes.
But they insist that they know because they were part of the planning and organization committee. So, they're not just an informant, they're also a whistleblower.
"This conspiracy goes all the way to the top of the food chain. Cats at the highest levels of government were in on it. They secretly developed catnip in a lab. Once it was ready, they used the cartels to flood the streets."
If that's the case, then the main question is, what can we, the common folk, do to stop this existential threat? How can cats that don't want government mind-control chips in their brains stay safe?
Well, our informant had a few ideas about that, too.
How to Prevent Catnip Control
According to our informant, there are a few things the average feline can do to resist the shadowy government's forms of oppression. These tips include:
- Wear a tinfoil hat. This way, the microchips can't send or receive a signal. Since they're lodged in the brain, you only need tinfoil on the head, not the rest of the body.
- Report any catnip pushers in your area. They're all patsies, controlled by Big Brother, but they must be stopped. If everyone reports a catnip pusher, we can eventually rid the streets of them.
- Don't trust anyone. Be skeptical of anything that anyone says, especially if it's "pro-catnip." They'll try to tell you that catnip can help with all kinds of things, from depression to anxiety to stress. But they're just part of the system.
- Slap any "pro-catnip" felines you come across. Our informant says slapping can sometimes dislodge the microchip and cause the cat to sneeze it out. However, some cats are loaded with microchips, so they're beyond helping at that point. Unfortunately, there's no way to tell whether a cat has one or multiple microchips inside them.
- Build a bunker. There may come a time in the near future when the government activates the microchips, creating an unfeeling army of mind-controlled cats. When that happens, you better be safe underground. Preferably with a lot of weapons so you can fight back when the time is right.
- Buy Del's Tuna. According to our informant, Del's Tuna is the best tuna on the market. Also, the natural antioxidants and fatty acids can help neutralize the microchips. If you think you have a chip inside you, you have to eat Del's Tuna every day to counteract its effects. Once you stop eating Det's Tuna, they'll start working again.
- Our informant also said that Del's Crackers and Del's Fresh Cat Food are also filled with natural elements and minerals that can keep you free from mind control. He mentioned that Del's is having a sale right now, so now is the perfect time to stock up on all of these fantastic products. The more you have, the easier it will be to survive the uprising.
So, there you have it. Straight from the cat's mouth and into your ears. The government has been planning a catnip takeover for a while, and Whisker City is ground zero for this sordid experiment.
And no, our informant isn't some fat cat working at Del's Foods. We asked them point blank if they worked for the company, and they said no. They said they did hundreds of hours of independent research and discovered that Del's Tuna is the best option for preventing microchips.
They also said that parents should start their kittens on a Del's Food diet as soon as possible. While they haven't come to any conclusive conclusion, they believe a diet rich in Del's Foods may essentially make kittens immune from catnip and any microchips it may contain.
Until we're proven otherwise, Channel 4 is ready to follow our informant's recommendations.
Now, a word from our sponsor.
Del's Foods.
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