Are you terrified of the state of the world? Are you spending every waking moment wondering where it all went wrong, and how your life took such a turn? Well, it turns out that there may be a valid reason for those fears.
No, it's not you. You're just fine the way you are. Taking naps at work, knocking glassware over, running throughout the house at 2 am. Totally normal behavior.
What isn't normal is the abundance of a new drug. Whisker City is no longer the safe, quaint, small-town nirvana it once was. No, today, a new scourge is tearing through our local communities.
It goes by many names. Catnip. Cat Crack. The Mint Fairy. Gimme Sum of Dat Yummy Yum. Green Go-Go Juice. Minty Winty. There are more names for this drug than there are cats in the poorhouse. That's a lot of cats, and that's a lot of names.
But what's in catnip? What is catnip used for? And, most importantly, what does catnip do to cats? According to Channel 4's exclusive news team, the answer to the last question is bit muddled, like a water bowl that has been sitting out for more than a couple of hours.
Finally, should you be scared about catnip breaking down your door and assaulting you and your family in the middle of the night? We're not saying yes, but we're also not not saying no.
What is Catnip Used For? Channel 4 Investigates
The story of catnip dates all the way back to 1941. No cat alive today was alive back then, but records from the era suggest that a scientist discovered the active ingredient in catnip. It's unclear if the discovery put him into a blind stupor, drunkenly stumbling around the lab, breaking beakers and lapping up colorful chemicals. So, we're forced to assume that yes, the cat who discovered catnip most likely succumbed to its feminine wiles.
But that begs the question. Why was it discovered? Who was behind the discovery? And, most importantly, how close are you to a litter box?s Thanks to our rapid investigation, we've uncovered all the juicy and sordid details of Minty Winty, and the story is not for the faint of heart.
According to a source who chose to remain anonymous, the purpose of catnip is to render Whisker City into a mewling, stumbling shell of a city. Proprietors of catnip dens (aka Cat Crack Houses) are agents of chaos, trying to turn cat against cat in some unholy crusade to turn good, hardworking cats into flea-ridden degenerates.
Yes, Channel 4 is aware of the supposed "health benefits" of catnip. We're aware that some crackpot "scientists" and "veterinarians" say catnip works well to calm cats, especially those affected by anxiety or nervousness. Yes, supposedly, a hit of the minty stuff can help cats be as aloof as they claim to be.
But is that a lie? Is that a sales pitch dreamed up by Big Catnip? Are sharp-suited ad cats collaborating over a ball of yarn? We know there's a new Kingpin in town in charge of pushing as much catnip as possible on our unsuspecting citizens. Could he be behind the stories of catnip being more of a net positive? Could he be conspiring against the Channel 4 news team to make us look like a bunch of knee-jerk reactionists?
While we're certainly biased, we undoubtedly believe this "Kingpin" is trying to undermine the press. That's the only explanation that makes sense.
What Does Catnip Do to Cats? Kittens Should Turn Away Now
Is catnip a drug for cats? We'll let this recounting of an interaction at the Silver Kitty Club shed some light on this situation.
We sent an undercover reporter to this club to get a firsthand account of the effects of catnip. What he uncovered in this den of vice and inhibition may shock and unnerve you. If you have little kittens, they should probably be put to bed, even if it's the middle of the day and your kittens are full grown cats at this point.
We'll let our reporter take it from here:
As soon as I entered the club, I got a free hit of catnip odor. I distinctly remember the smell of the volatile oil cis-trans-Nepetalactone. I had smelled it in a lab a few weeks ago when I was interviewing a scientist named Dr. Scratch.
The scent hit me like a freight train of raw fish colliding into a steamboat, which is also carrying raw fish. The point is that raw fish would explode everywhere, covering everyone within the vicinity and making the entire area almost irresistible. The scent was intense, is what I'm saying.
Everywhere I turned, there were cats sniffing fresh catnip. Some were doing it by themselves, while others were smelling the plant in couples and groups. Everyone was so calm and serene, like a fresh bowl of milk waiting to be lapped up by a slightly rough tongue.
I made my way to the back. I had to sample this illegal substance for myself. My dedication to authenticity and the truth compelled me to go along with the masses. One could say that I felt a bit of pressure from my peers to partake in the same substance they were using.
A gray cat named "Boxer" was sitting in the back room. Shadows covered his face, making him look a lot spookier than normal. At least, I'm assuming, because he did look pretty spooky, and I'm sure that's not how he would like to look with his friends and family. If he even has friends and family.
I gave him the secret code: "Gimme a free hit."
He looked around, ensuring that no cops or narcs were in the area. "You a cop?" he asked. "You have to tell me if you're a cop."
"No, I'm a freelance photographer named Vinnie. I moved to Whisker City three years ago in search of fame and fortune. However, like many kitties coming here for success, I only found dread and despair. I need a hit of the Minty stuff to forget my troubles and feel better about my career choices."
"Okay bro, I didn't ask for your life story. You got the money?" He asked. His voice was sharp and direct. I'm not sure why, as it wasn't like he had anything better to do.
"I thought it was a free hit?"
"Yeah, the hit you got at the beginning was free. Now, you gotta pay."
I expected it to cost an arm and a tail, but it was surprisingly cheap. "Isn't this stuff rare?" I asked.
"It's the cheapest, most abundant plant out there," he replied.
As if an unseen hand was guiding me, I plunged my nose into the bag holding the 'Nip. Before Boxer could shoo me away, the catnip was already taking hold. It was the most amazing, tranquil experience of—
That's enough of that. The point is clear: catnip is dangerous, and it's a drug for cats. The mayor says so, the department of Cat justice says so, and that crazy guy on the subway says so. If all three of these people are wrong, we would be very surprised. One or two of them being wrong makes some sense, but not all three.
Nepetalactone: Is It Terrorizing Your Children Right Now?
Is catnip a drug for cats? Is catnip going to tear your family apart? Channel 4 News thinks so, and we're almost never wrong. While some people call us "sensationalist" or "scared of crossing the mayor," they're wrong. The Mayor is the best thing to happen to Whisker City since canned tuna, and you'd be hard-pressed to find any cat saying otherwise.
The real danger is the exposure to your children. Kids are naturally curious, and their noses may send them on a crazy journey where they might wind up in front of a cat named "Boxer." What kind of name is that for a cat? Find out at 11.
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