Whisker City, CAT - a Daily Mews update from intrepid investigative reporter Purrl Necklace, who can't stop laughing.
Oh, dear readers. Or perhaps it's, oh dear, readers. Both work. Gather round and prepare yourselves for a tail of unparalleled hilarity and misguided human earnestness.
In an oh-so-familiar display of stunning self-importance, our lesser-furred friends and sometimes catnip providers have once again 'dropped the fur-ball' in their feeble attempts to understand us. Humans, in their infinite wisdom, have just published an unintentionally hilarious report on "The Science of Cat Crack."
And what's so funny about that? What's so funny is that the report – unveiled in a human newspaper, with the ludicrous copycat name of the Daily News - merely regurgitated everything we told them, here in these very pages, in our recent Open Letter to Humans. Because remember, to humans, unless it's their idea, it's not an idea at all: it's tragic! Read on as we reveal their five, very funny 'findings'!
Recap: 'Is Catnip a Drug for Cats?' An Open Letter to Humankind
For those of you who missed the grand event, here's a quick recap. A while back, we, the liberal cat elite, having been tired of seeing our human pets simply not 'getting' the science of catnip, generously decided to throw them a bone. We did so by penning an open letter to demystify the divine herb, and answer some of their typically insipid questions, such as:
- What is catnip?
- Why do cats like catnip?
- What does catnip do to cats?
- What is the best catnip?
Our missive - full title 'Is Catnip a Drug for Cats?' An Open Letter to Humankind - made the key catnip facts purrfectly clear, including:
1. Is Catnip a Drug for Cats?
Our answer: Yes and (mainly) no. It's a natural extract darling, with both medicinal and recreational uses, but carries none of the negative connotations of human 'drugs.'
2. Does Catnip Get Cats High?
Our answer: Absolutely! We likened it to the combined euphoria humans derive from wine, espresso, and sports.
3. What Makes Cats go Crazy for Catnip?
Our answer: Nepetalactone, which binds to receptors in our adorable noses, lighting up our cranial bliss centres.
4. Can Cats Overdose on Catnip?
Our answer: Not really. Too much catnip might leave us feeling a bit flat, but there's no need for rehab.
5. Can You Mmoke Catnip?
Our answer: Don't be ridiculous.
Now, read on to hear what they've discovered!
The Daily News Report: Human Redundancy at its Furless Finest
Enter the human race. Directly prompted by our idiot's guide, so-called human 'scientists' – those wannabe professors who invariably try to look like smarty-cats by rocking some outdated version of nerd-chic, combining pale skin, bad hair, and cheap, unfashionable glasses – immediately decided to "investigate" cat nip, as if it's some ground-breaking mystery, which only they could get to the bottom of.
Human snooze-paper The Daily News yesterday published their 'findings' which – sur-purr-ise, sur-purr-ise – exactly echoed our own. The only saving grace is that their study did at least explore our happy herb via the best-of-the-best catnip out there, Cat Crack (free hit), known for its highest natural content AND highest potency pledge. Basically, all they've done is copied our report and inserted the words Cat Crack.
Shield your eyes from the glare of the cringe if you wish, as we reveal what they 'discovered':
1. Cat Crack Is and Isn't a Drug for Cats
The 'study' concluded that catnips like the market-leading Cat Crack, act like a drug, but are in fact herbal extracts, with no toxic or addictive downsides. Well, spit out a furrball – how on Cat-Earth did they come to that conclusion?!
2. Cats Do Get High on Cat Crack
Their study confirmed that cats experience a euphoria similar to a human high when consuming Cat Crack. Ground-breaking. Truly.
3. The Active Ingredient in Cat Crack is Called Nepetalactone
The main active ingredient in catnip – humans have kindly revealed, even though we have been banging on about its cultural significance since the dawn of cat - is nepetalactone. They even went so far as to describe (i.e. regurgitate) the science of catnip, explaining (just like we did) how it binds to special cat-only receptors in our nasal passages, and then stimulates the parts of our enormous brains responsible for emotions and empathy. Hold your ap-paws, please.
4. You Can't Overdose on Cat Crack
Those clever humans also revealed that overdosing on catnip isn't a thing. We can have a bit too much, apparently, but it's basically harmless. Bravo, Einsteins.
And finally…
5. You Can't Smoke Cat Crack
I know you will find this upsetting reader, and a huge shock, but finally, they've debunked the idea that you can smoke catnip. I mean, people actually ask "can you smoke catnip?". Crazy. So put down that pipe, pussycat, you can't smoke Cat Crack.
Three Cheers for Human Kind – We Salute Your (Stolen) Catnip Science!
Oh, humans, 10 out of 10 for effort. You try, you really do, but the sheer redundancy of your "discoveries" is nothing short of tragic.
But let's not be too hard on them. In a world where our tail-less two-legged amigos bumble through even the simplest of tasks (such as maintaining world peace and not breaking the planet), it's refreshing that they at least try to learn from our feline sophistication. We handed what they needed to know to them on a silver platter, and they appropriated it with their primitive 'science' and handed it back – it's sad and pathetic, but it could be worse. They could try and come up with their own answers – imagine how disastrous that would be! And at the very least, it shows an intention to keep providing catnip for cats.
But if you are reading – humans – next time, please just do the right thing, and do us all a favor, by listening to your feline overlords. We are sleek, we are wise, and we have mastered the ability to sleep 16-20 hours per day – there is nothing we can learn from you, least of all about cat nip. Wasted words, I know - so let's just continue to roll in our beloved herb, bask in our superiority, and innately just know the science, which they can then strive hard to understand, before repeating it back to us.
Got a funny picture of a human watching you enjoy Cat Crack? Share it HERE.
Know a human with access to the internet? Get them to score you a free hit.
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