What Does Catnip Do To Cats?!

What Does Catnip Do To Cats?!

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A controversial new documentary soon to be broadcast on WLBC (Whisker Land Broadcasting Company) promises to reveal once and for all the real effects of the illegal street drug catnip. 

The documentary, entitled Rollin' With Da Nip Squad, followed a well-known gang of catnip peddlers - based in the infamous 'Projects' area of Whisker City – over a twelve-month period. 

The Making of Rollin' With Da Nip Squad: A Catnip Documentary

The series is the work of well-known feline filmmaker Werner Purrzog and promises all the access-all-areas pawmarks of his many A-cat-emy Award-winning films, including Siam-E-Z Street, Why Cats Get Embarrassed and Belly Rub Death Wish. So far, so furry. Except that this time, there's an extraordinary twist in the tail – because during the process, the gang agreed to take part in a top-secret Moggy Medical Trial, designed to explore the effects of the very drug from which they made a living: cat nip.

The trials took place behind closed flaps at the world-famous Miaow Clinic and were led by chief boffin Professor Nutchop Von Shorthair. Von Shorthair is no stranger to controversy, after previously hitting the headlines as the first scientist to undertake a fully immersive study in the world of dogs, which led the then president of Whisker Land, George Washing-Paw to exclaim: "What a waste of money – there is no 'world of dogs'. They are pointless, stupid and smelly, and everyone knows that. Boooo!" The final published study, Whatever Happened To White Doggy Doo?, was eventually banned in 16 countries.

Mew-Mew, Moggy-Mong, Claw, Bounce, Chronip. Those are some of the most popular names used for illegal catnip. Purzzog had originally intended simply to spend time with a cat nip gang and explore the underbelly they occupied: 

"I grew up in the 60s, ya? Ve vere all doing catnip back in ze day – but it was good stuff, ya? But today - I voz not so sure. How could zeze crazy cats justify vot zey were doing? Zey call it 'Ze Game'. But voz anyone actually having any of ze fun?"

Can Cats Eat Catnip? The Unexpected Study and Its Findings

It wasn't until he met a charismatic local gang leader that this really became a tail of the unexpected. Purrzog explains how the study came about:

"Ve vere originally going to do ze study of ze Project cats, to look at ze nip peddling, ya? Ve had an 'in' with a very vell-known cat from ze scene, whose name I couldn't possibly tell you, because zen I'd have to kill you, ya? Hahahahahaha. But basically, it rhymes with grumpy. But he wasn't grumpy – he woz a zuper, zuper guy. Anyvey, he said he had ze best catnip in ze whole of Whisker Land – so good he would give everybody a free hit. And he vanted to prove it. And he vanted to prove that catnip was not just harmless but, as he put it, 'ze best of life.' So he'd hooked up with zis boffin character, and zat was zat. Ze-bingo!"

To find out what Professor Von Shorthair himself had to say, we visited him in his Miaow Clinic laboratory. There, wearing his trademark tie-died collar and John Lennon glasses, and openly using cat nip throughout our conversation, Von Shorthair explained that the study set out to explore the following questions and provide definitive answers:

  1. Can cats eat catnip?
  2. What does catnip do to cats?
  3. Why do cats like catnip?
  4. Does catnip get cats high?
  5. Can cats overdose on catnip?

"So, Professor Von Shorthair," we asked, "what were the answers?"

"Well," he replied, "you'll have to watch, won't you, Silly! But seriously, baby, the answers were 1) yes, 2) lots of good stuff, 3) because it does lots of good stuff, and 4) yeah, baby, this shizzle's more dope than the pope! and 5) no."

Leaked Clips: Does Catnip Get Cats High?

In recent days, leaked clips from Rollin' With Da Nip Squad show three young street cats undergoing a battery of tests using the gang's catnip, which has been tested as containing 78% nepetalactone and being 100% natural.

"Never accept cat nip that isn't 100% natural, or with potency levels of less than 78% nepetalactone," states the disguised gang leader at the top of one of the clips. "That's the active ingredient, and that's what matters. What we're talking about is the cat crack of cat nip – the highest potency, non-GMO, 100% natural. Come and see me – there's a free hit for everyone."

What follows is then a series of clips of the young cats before, during, and after they use this 'cat crack.' In one, a cute, stripey cat - eyes like Jolly Ranchers - completes his entire day's personal hygiene session in seconds before falling asleep looking slack-jawed and content, upside down on a cushion. In another, a different cat talks about how "he has never felt so connected or understood, and how all of life is interconnected…man". After rolling around a lot, which all the cats in the study seem to do - hence the name, Rollin' With Da Nip Squad – he then hugs Professor Von Shorthair and tells him he loves him.

Unveiling Catnip's Impact: Discoveries from Rollin' With Da Nip Squad

Throughout the study, the cats also agreed to be hooked up to a series of monitors measuring their vital signs, including key kitty wellness indicators such as coat glossiness, tail position, and the ability to play floor tennis with a pink fluffy mouse. According to all of these metrics, when measured against a placebo, catnip is clearly shown to enhance health, improve bonding skills and reduce anxiety.

Despite being backed by leading scientists across the cat community, behind the scenes at WLBC, lawyers have been fighting a long battle for the right to broadcast Rollin' With Da Nip Squad, with opposition campaigners claiming the work is irresponsible, immoral, and faked. We approached Brenda Dribble of CABS (Cats Against Bad Stuff) for comment:

"It's all just pish and poppycock. Everyone knows that just as dogs are stupid and cannot be imbued with any degree of intelligence just because you point a camera at them, gangsters from the Projects – raised without the guiding hand of a good human – are not to be trusted or encouraged. Any cats who are really seeking to 'enrich their personal wellness outside of a healthy balanced diet' - as the un-Whisperlandian snowflakes of today might say - would do well to simply take a drink of milk, and go roll in some dust. Catnip is a sin, and those who seek to spread its vile evil can expect to be struck down by the Hooded Claw." 

When shown a poster detailing the film's forthcoming release, Dribble plumped up her tail, hissed wildly, arched her back, and then walked sideways in an oddly balletic manner. 

Rollin' With Da Nip Squad is available for streaming soon on Mew Tube, Furamount, and Catflix, rated PG (Purrental Guidance Recommended).

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