This is a message to the human race.
The scratching of carpets and other favorite items of furniture; the shedding of excess fur; inappropriate weeing. These are all signs that we – cats – are not happy: we are feeling anxious, insecure, discombobulated. And while most humans are aware of the major factors which might lead to such feelings – the introduction of a new pet, a change in routine, the noise caused by fireworks – today we wish to highlight a significant area of concern, which has been brewing for some time in the cat community, yet seems to have slipped under the radar.
Cats are sensitive; we don’t like awkwardness or embarrassment; we take ourselves seriously…it’s all part of a centuries-long tradition of being more dignified than dogs. So just as we hate to get caught in the act of failing to execute a highly technical jump, or are forced to wear the dreaded ‘cone of shame’ – see our article Does Catnip Calm Cats? for more on that! – giving us silly names leads to feelings of misery, resentment and shame. And while the cone of shame – and the unhappiness it brings – lasts only a few weeks, a name lasts forever, so a bad name is bound to cause problems.
To help prevent name-choosing disasters, we’ve prepared a handy guide, outlining the main mistakes you can make, and the kind of catastrophic cat names that arise as a result. Perhaps your cat’s name is on the list? We hope not for their sake, but make yourself a cup of coffee (if you’re a human) or take a free hit of Cat Crack (if you’re a cat), and read on to find out…
The Five Types of Offensive Cat Names
We’ve broken things down into five categories, with examples…
1: The Prejudiced and Obvious
Don’t give us a name based entirely on what we look like…such as Ginge, Red, Carrot or Prince Harry for example. Same applies if we’re black – Blacky, Shadow, Midnight – no! Or black and white – Oreo. Double no! It’s bad enough being named after a cookie, but when the real reasons are even more basic, it’s extra upsetting. Defining us by what you regard to be our main physical characteristic is reductive and rude. If it was acceptable to name humans based solely on their standout physical characteristic, you’d all be called Two Legs or No Tail, and how would you like that? Take a longer look at us – deep into our soul. Think: what name can you give us that will fill us with pride? And then try not to be too prescriptive: William Shakespeare wasn’t called Great Writer. Use your imagination.
2: The Punny and Unfunny
Chairman Meow – this isn’t just bad because it’s a reference that’s out of date by about 50 years. It’s bad because you can’t base a name around a dad joke. No to Vladimir Purrtin! Absolutely not to Pawcasso! Get out of here to Cat Damon! Not only are these names a burden to us, they also make you look bad. They’re wonderful when you first have the idea – if someone else doesn’t give you a pat on the back, give yourself one. But the joke soon gets tired. Before long, what most people are thinking is: ‘Wow: did they REALLY call their cat Chairman Meow?’ And worse still, if we go missing – which we may try to do if you call us Chairman Meow – are you going to a walk around your neighborhood banging a cat bowl, shouting ‘Chairman Meow’? I’m not sure you are. Cat names are for life, not just for Christmas, so think ahead. Map through the ramifications before leaping into anything daft like Rene Pusso.
3: The Offensive and Rude
Names which are rude might be based on a physical characteristic, like Fatso, Blob, Football or King Tubby, so are an extension of The Prejudiced and Obvious. Or they might just be gratuitously offensive, like Haemorrhoid, Stinky or Butt Face. Sure, you get to enjoy your five minutes in the sun when everyone things you’re a legend for ‘doing a joke’. But soon they will just see you as mean and evil, and we will develop a massive chip on our shoulders when we are shunned and ridiculed by our peers. A brief word also about over-compensating, and thinking you can give us a boastful name like Sexy, Champion or Ultimate Warrior. You might think that’ll put a spring in our step, but it won’t – again, it just singles us out for resentment.
4: The Stereotypical and Unimaginative
Felix – oh come on! Be original! Whiskers – really? And don’t try and mix it up by going for Captain/Major/Mr Whiskers either. Garfield, Tigger, Tom, Simba, Sylvester, Lucifer? No!!!!!! Alternatively, you might try and be post-modern and hilarious by calling us Cat. It’s not funny. It was funny once, in a film, but this isn’t a film, it’s real life, and you should be entirely focussed on making our existence as amazing as possible. Being called Cat will not help. Kitty is even worse (see also category 5 below), yet according to this list, it’s one of the top ten most common cat names in the USA. Incredible! And please don’t try and subvert name-calling traditions still further by calling us Dog, because that’s REALLY not funny. Dogs conjure up multiple negative adjectives – smelly, weak-minded, pointless, inferior, unhygienic, sappy, indiscrete (never tell a dog a secret) – so to call a cat Dog, is to suggest they are all these things. It’s highly offensive.
5: The Humiliating and Enfeebling
Take for example Tiddles. For a male cat it’s emasculating. For a female cat it suggests bladder problems. Either way we’re not coming out of it with any positives. You can’t be fearless and mighty if your name is Tiddles. You can’t be tough if your name is Tiddles. You can’t be a leader of cats, a pioneer, a feline that other felines aspire to be or to follow. With a name like Tiddles you are limited to being ‘cute’ – to looking like a kitten and having an adorable sneeze – that’s all you can expect from life, along with being bullied by other cats. Same goes for Mittens, Fluffy, Cuddles, Babycakes and Cutie Pie. No-one wants to be cute: it’s not an aspirational personal quality. It’s a jungle out there – don’t make us a target.
Making Up For It: Catnip For Cats With Bad Names
So there you have it. Want to know how to stop cats from scratching things they shouldn’t? It’s not just about eliminating dogs, vacuum cleaners and vacations: names are important too, so don’t say you haven’t been told. Think long term. Think dignity. Think: ‘I don’t want my cat to scratch my carpet.’ And if we do? Then check out our article Why Cats Need A Scratching Post. But also, make us forget all about our monstrous monikers. And the route 1, sure-fire guaranteed way of doing that is to distract us with catnip. What is catnip? It’s a 100% natural herb from the mint family. Why do cats like catnip – what does catnip do to cats? Cats like catnip because of a meow-gic ingredient called nepetalactone which has a unique effect on cats, mimicking feelgood pheromones to make us feel exhilarated and then super chilled: it’s a great treat for stressed out cats. And if you want to treat us and save your carpets, all at the same time? Sprinkle some catnip on a cat scratch pad. But most of all, just don’t give us a silly name.
Are YOU a cat with a great/not-so-great cat name – share it here!
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