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The fact is that folks around here just love them some good old-fashioned cat nip. What is catnip, you ask? Well, let me illuminate you on the topic.
Catnip is a natural plant, and it's part of the mint family. Because of its heritage, this particular plant has a strong odor, thanks to its primary ingredient, Nepetalactone. For cats, this oil may as well be mana from heaven, as it triggers a strong, euphoric feeling as soon as we smell it. Sure, Johnny Law may think it's a dangerous "drug" that leads to mania and obsessiveness, but that couldn't be further from the truth.
How to Plant Catnip
You can plant catnip plants outdoors or in pots if you plan on growing them inside. The best time to plant catnip is in spring, at least six weeks after the last frost. Indoor cat nip can thrive all year long, though, as long as you give it the right elements.
It wasn't too long ago that I was on the anti-catnip hype train, heading straight for "outlaw the stuff" station. I had heard horror stories from folks I knew about how catnip was a terrible weed, and I was young and foolish enough to fall for them.
Then, one day, I was strolling through the woods when I came across a wild patch of catnip. Don't ask me what I was doing in the woods, as that's a secret. A super secret that I can't tell anyone. Not even those closest to me. Not even my fiancee, who asks me about those woods at least once a week. I tell her, "Don't ask me about them woods, darling. You don't want to know the answer." Yet, she keeps prying.
Anyway, after a chance encounter and a free hit of wild catnip, the truth set me free. One sniff of the catnip flower and I was unchained to the lies, to the propaganda. It was as if I was born again. When I came to, I knew what I had to do.
Grow, cultivate, and sell catnip for a profit.
Catnip Plant Care
Catnip plants prefer drained, fertile soil and lots of sunshine. While catnip can grow in partially shaded areas, the plants can become droopy and grow much more slowly. The best way to ensure stable growth is to mix organic matter or fresh fertilizer into the soil regularly.
Growing the catnip wasn't the hard part. If you've ever grown mint before, you know how easy it is for the plant to take root and spread far and wide. I bought a couple of acres next to the secluded part of the woods and got to work.
Within about a few months, I was approached by a city slicker named Jonesy. He didn't tell me anything else about himself, just that his name was Jonesy and he represented some bigwig back in Calico County. He said he wanted to purchase all of my catnip every time I harvested it, and that he would pay handsomely.
At first, I thought he might be connected to Kingpin's crew in Whisker City. But, it turns out, they were direct competitors. I didn't want to get in the middle of a catnip war, so I kept my mouth shut. I've had some of Kingpin's catnip. It's better and purer than mine, but Jonesy's offer paid well all the same. Maybe one day my 'Nip could be good enough for Kingpin's outfit. Maybe.
Anyway, since I got into this business to become filthy, stinking, rich, I obliged Jonesy's requests. The filthy and stinking parts came easy. Harvesting fields of catnip by oneself tends to lead to various odors and smells coming off the body. But now, with a buyer in my pocket, the money could start rolling in. Much like how I was rolling in catnip. Literally.
See, cats like to roll around in catnip after getting a whiff of it. The oil Nepetalactone triggers a playful, sensual response, and most cats can't help how they react.
But now, instead of rolling in catnip, I would be rolling in dough.
That is to say, cash.
Or, to put it another way, the cash was figurative, as Jonesy wired my funds into an offshore bank account. So, if I literally wanted to roll in cash, I would have to go to the bank, make a sizable withdrawal, and then throw the money on the floor.
Seeing as that was too much work and I would raise more than a couple of eyebrows by withdrawing so much money, I've decided against it.
How to Give Your Cat Catnip
The best way to give your cat catnip is by offering a small pinch of dried cat nip. Cats can ingest the plant, but it makes them drowsy and sleepy. Eating too much can also cause indigestion, so you have to be careful if feeding catnip to your cat.
A few months after Jonesy started buying my 'Nip, it wasn't long before I had to hire help. I had to be careful since I couldn't exactly post ads in Whisker City, given how Johnny Law might start sniffing around.
Fortunately, cat nip is still legal in another town, Catscratchville, so I went hunting for talent over there. That's where I met my fiancée. Her name is Felicia, by the way. Felicia, the feline, as I call her.
She started as one of my helpers, but once she saw how much money I was making, her thoughts quickly turned amorous. Plus, smelling some of my fresh catnip didn't hurt. It can trigger feelings of arousal, after all.
Anyway, so now Felicia and I are happy together, on the farm, growing four acres of catnip at a time. We have teams of workers harvesting and drying the plants for us, so we just get to rest on our laurels and count our figurative riches.
Like I said, growing and cultivating catnip is a simple life. A quiet life. At least, it is when you have a guy like Jonesy filling your bank account and a wife-to-be like Felicia taking care of all your other needs.
Just don't ask me about that spot in the woods anymore.
Cat Crack Catnip
You don't have to grow your own catnip to get the benefits of the plant. Cat Crack is 100 percent organic, and it's made from the freshest plants around. Give your cat the gift of a calmer, more relaxed lifestyle!
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