Whisker City, CAT – Are you sitting/kitting comfortably? Because sporting history is about to be made, with what pussycat pundits are enthusiastically tagging 'The Catnip Olympics.' Read on for our preview of the main events.
Yes, it's time again for The Cat Olympics – that global celebration of feline sport, which has happened every four cat years since the times of Ancient Greece. But this year, this particular feline Olympiad, is a little bit different.
Best Catnip – Fueling the Cat Olympics
After much debate, the Olympic Kitty Committee have pledged to end the controversy surrounding doping in cat sport. For centuries, it's been accepted that cats will do what cats will do – we are not dogs, we can't be 'programmed' – and cats 'do' catnip. Whenever they can. It's an open secret that catnip has always been used as a performance-enhancing herb. Now though, sport is about to level the playing field: this year's Cat Olympics will feature - for the first time - compulsory catnip use amongst all participants.
Here's a word from our esteemed sponsors, Cat Crack, and their legendary brand ambassador, Kingpin:
"It's time we embrace the natural, organic power of catnip, and let our feline athletes shine in their true, furry glory. Meow."
To explain further, Chief Cat Olympics Medical Officer, Dr. Stripey Von Twinklepaws, outlines the importance of using premium catnip throughout the Olympiad:
"Cat Crack is catnip for cats who know best. Why do cats like catnip? Because catnip is a natural herbal medicine, tonic, and stimulant. What does catnip do to cats? It mimics feel-good pheromones. It's natural and non-toxic, and therefore, to get the best out of it, it should always be 100% organic and high potency, meaning best-in-class, 79% nepetalactone content. That's why the Cat Olympics could only be sponsored by Cat Crack."
The Olympic Spirit: "Citius, Altius, Furius"
The Cat Olympics embody the spirit of "Citius, Altius, Furius" – "Faster, Higher, Furrier." The games are a celebration of feline unity. The Cat Olympic Village, housed on the grassy plains of Whisker City's Uptown outskirts, and known by residents as Purradise, is more than just a lodging for our cat athletes, with its luxury scratching posts, gourmet tuna buffets, and endless supplies of Cat Crack to ensure a comfortable stay. Gossip swirls about parties, pairing up, and inevitable pussycat culture clashes. What will be this year's scandal?
The Events: Feline Acrobatics and Athletics
In the end though, it's all about the sport. And so, without further ado, let's preview some of the main events at this, the first-ever and much-anticipated Catnip Olympics, proudly sponsored by Cat Crack, the premier catnip provider.
Before all of these events – which mostly take place at the 80,000 cat-capacity Catnip Coliseum - cats will consume a free hit of Cat Crack.
1. The 100m Zoomie
Our first event, the 100m Zoomie, showcases the lightning speed of our feline competitors on cat nip. Favored to lead the Cat Crack pack is world record holder Usain Boltpaw, but his main rival, Jesse Meowens is also in top form. For those not familiar: a wind-up mouse will be released, and the speedy-cats will then zoom after it, covering a distance of 100 metres (although rarely in a straight line) in around 9-10 seconds. These frenetic random activity periods (FRAPs) are triggered by pent-up energy, excitement, or stress or simply by the buzz of some high-grade, hoptacular catnip.
2. The High Shelf Jump
In the High Shelf Jump, Cat Crack-fuelled pussycats take a potentially humiliating leap for the loftiest of ledges – humiliating because there's nothing cats hate more than public failure. Fuelled by premium catnip, contenders will spring into action, attempting to launch themselves upwards onto a very small landing space, usually occupied by crockery and greetings cards, which they must not displace. Points are awarded for both height and artistic impression. This year's clear favorite is Tiddles' The Rocket Man' Tiddlesworth.
3. Pairs Synchronized Napping
The Pairs Synchronized Napping is a serene display of harmony and cute fluffiness, as pairs of purring pussycats curl up after a good Cat Crack binge, and intertwine themselves for a lovely synchronized snooze. This year, special dream monitors will capture their nap-turnal imaginings, with bonus points for crowd-pleasing dreams featuring unicorns, and dogs in dresses.
4. Box Diving
Box Diving combines agility, precision, and stubbornness. Cats on catnip must leap into a series of discarded boxes - proving once and for all that you can get all the fancy gifts you want, but nothing beats an empty box - aiming ultimately for the snuggest fit. Ones to watch this year include Nimble John – a name given sarcastically to an extremely clumsy cat (called John), who became a cult cat hero for his unfortunate performance in the High Shelf Jump at the last games – and Mittens the Brave, known for her audaciously daring dives.
5. Laser Pointer Chase
The Laser Pointer Chase tests agility and focus. Shadow the Stealthy, with his unparalleled speed and ever-so-slightly psychotic changes of direction, is a firm fan favorite. Expect him to pounce with precision in Whisker City's newly built Lazer Dome.
6. Writhing, Rolling, and Dribbling
Writing, Rolling, and Dribbling is the most popular floor event – a true test of feline flexibility, flair, and flobber. Nadia Comenici-cat, a master of her art, is a sight to behold. After a dose of Cat Crack, she launches into a series of intricate rolls and writhes, dribbling all over herself with expert imprecision. Can any of her rivals match her 'fluid' movements with some slack-jawed saliva production of their own?
7. High-Speed Washing
In High-Speed Washing, Cat Crack addled felines will very suddenly demonstrate their grooming prowess. Michael Purrps, known for his large paws, is the favorite, but look out for his resurgent arch rival Thorpedo-Puss, who's been known to de-flea himself and several others in a blur of furr-licking activity, before falling soundly asleep.
8. Cat Gymnastics
Cat Gymnastics showcases agility through elegant routines of bannister-balancing brilliance. Nadia Comenici-cat – already a star in the Writhing, Rolling, and Dribbling- will be bidding for double gold this year.
The Closing Cat Nip Ceremony
As the games draw to a close, the Catnip Coliseum will be filled one last time with cheers, purrs, and the occasional meow of triumph. To close the event, the Cat Olympic torch - a giant catnip mouse - will be licked to death. The closing ceremony will then parade all the athletes, purring with pride, and slightly off their nuts (again) on Cat Crack.
As the finished felines head home, they'll know they've inspired all of us—well, mostly the cats—to fill our days with what really matters: naps, laps, and Cat Crack.
Are you a cat? Want to show us your cat acrobatics on catnip? Then head HERE.
And what is catnip? A herb from the mint family known for its ability to produce a euphoric effect (but only in cats…try a free hit), all thanks to its secret ingredient, nepetalactone!
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